Springblade 2: Machete, Greg Walker

Okay, we went over the basics of Men's Adventure before. Then I read this, which is probably the worst example I ever read all the way through. And I have no idea why I did that.

The hero is Bo Thornton, retired special forces guy. He is an expert with weapons (which are described in orgasmic detail), utterly manly, and irresistible to the lady-types. Of which he has one, who stays at home and worries while he does manly, heroic violent things.

Speaking of lady-types, their roles in this type of fiction are clearly defined in this book. You've got your gorgeous type, whose job is to bone the hero and then stay behind and worry. And/or you've got your gorgeous type whose job is to fuck up so the hero can go rescue her. And you got your mother type, who sometimes needs rescuing and worrying about, but doesn't have a damn thing to say.

Sometimes there is also your gorgeous type whose job is to have a lot of sex and kill a lot of men until she meets the hero, when she gets all wet and decides not to kill him, which usually winds up getting her killed. She's not in this book.

So, our hero Bo Thornton is called in by a friend of his, who wants him to protect a political refugee and his family (afore-mentioned mother and hostage) from the government of the refugee's country, which is of course corrupt and brutal and all that. The bad guys are really bad, pretty much all they think about is rape and murder and more rape. And you know, the good guys only think about consenting boning and killing bad guys, which is how you know they are good guys.

Okay, also the good guys sometimes kick an unconscious man in the nuts really hard a couple of times, but hey the guy wears a SUIT, it's funny, motherfucker!

The refugees are holed up in a hotel in San Francisco, but no-one's been killed in almost 20 pages, so our hero and the guy who set him up on the job go out to dinner while the hero's team watches the people in danger. After dinner, the two men are attacked by a gang of--get this--homosexual rapists wearing leather and make-up and high heels. Because we have to keep our high opinion of the good guys, we learn all about how horrible the gay gang is before they get slaughtered but good. And then, you know, we're on page 50.

Dagger 1: The Centaur Conspiracy, Carl Stevens

I have no idea why I read this book after the Springblade debacle. Think I was in a mood. Dagger is a dude who's not ex-military like a lot of Men's Adventure heroes, but his dad was, and taught him all sorts of useful shit. His real name is Christian Daguerre (yeah, like the camera guy) and he's a reporter with a grudge against a former employer. He has, and I quote (from two different spots in the book) "cute buns."

Anyway, someone is trying to kill the hero because former employer spread the word hero was doing a story on something, daughter of former employer shows up and is both helpful and helpless in turn (they fight crime!), and so on.

Dear Dumb Diary, School. Hasn't This Gone on Long Enough?; Jim Benton

This is apparently the beginning of a whole new set of Dear Dumb Diary books, but I'm damned if I'm going to try to squeeze "Year Two" into that already over-loaded title box.

In this installment, all of the illustrations and text are purple. Jamie's math grade is in the hole, so Isabella starts "helping" her. Jamie mainly goes along to best Angelique, who's even beating Jamie in Language Arts.

Excerpt:
After class, I asked Isabella what she thought of Angeline's poem. She said she thought it sounded like it had been written by a fanciful fairy queen riding on a silver unicorn writing with a peacock quill dipped in raspberry-flavored ink on a piece of golden paper being held for her by twin baby koalas wearing matching pink sailor suits.

Isabella has said some ugly, horrible things in her time, but even I wasn't ready for that.

Seriously, Isabella. Nice mouth.

In the Electric Mist with Confederate Dead, James Lee Burke

Dave Robicheaux is an ex-New Orleans cop working and living in a rural parish with his family. In short order they find the victim of a serial killer and the corpse of a man Dave saw murdered when he was a teenager. Also there is a movie crew in town, plus gangsters.

One of the actors latches on to Dave, he is a drunk who says he sees ghosts in the marshes.

This was a decent read, but I think John Connolly does this stuff better.

The Art of Murder, Jose Carlos Somoza translated by Nick Caistor

Human dramatism is a new art style in which human beings are canvases. They are painted and styled and posed and stand in one place for hours, living works of art. Preparing these people for being painted is called priming.

One day a girl taking part in an art exhibition is found killed in a strange, ritualistic manner. Two people in the artist's foundation try to find the killer.

This book is fascinating and creepy.

Tentacles, Roland Smith

In this sequel to Cryptid Hunters, the whole gang sets out on a mission to catch a giant squid. Only there are spies on board--and a deadly stowaway.

Story is very readable and fast-paced. However it ends with a cliff-hanger. This book was published in 2009 and the sequel hasn't come out yet. First Gerrold, now Smith. What is with you people?